Suicide note

Last few months Leen gifted me a book "Mind at Peace".  These are writings by Muslim mental health patients who have recovered or are recovering.

Although one has recovered, there is still a chance of relapse.

It was an eye-opening book.  For these patients, the major anecdote to their conditions have been the Words of God, remembrance of God and knowing God.

The other day, I met with Leen again, with Nuryn and Saleha.  This time Saleha gave me a book titled ,"Aku Nabi Isa" (I am Prophet Jesus). It's another book about mental illness, this time written by a Muslim psychiatrist.  At the rate my sisters are giving me books on mental health, people may think I have some mental issues - I don't.   I think I don't.

The first topic in this book is suicide. Which is the main intended subject of this post.

I just wanted to note that, it's no wonder that suicide is a very big sin. For one to commit suicide, one must have lost all hope in life, and their faith in God.

There is an ayat in the Quran, in surah Yusuf that man translates to "... and never give up hope of Allah's Soothing Mercy: truly no one despairs of Allah's Soothing Mercy, except those who have no faith." (12:87).

For Muslims who read, ponder and practise the advice given in the Quran, they'll understand that :

1. This life is a test.
2. You'll not be tested with more than that you can bear.
3. In everything that happens to us, there is a hikmah (a good reason with good outcome, a blessing if you persevere). The hikmah may be apparent and realised soon, or much later in life, or you may not realise it at all, if you are not observant and grateful.
4. As a Muslim, trusting God and His plans, leaving the outcome to Him after putting our effort, is essential. Muslims would be familiar with "tawakkaltu 3alallaah" -  In God I put my trust.
5. We are not alone, especially when in suffering, God hears our calls.  God is closer to us than our jugular veins.

If a practising Muslim reminds himself of these things constantly, it will anchor in his heart and even if suicide crosses their mind, they will quickly remind themselves of the purpose of our lives and that God is always with us.

This is the best we can do, and still, Allaah has power over all things.

Don't lose faith, have hope. 
Darks days are moments, dark thoughts appear in moments, and moments will pass. 
Even suicidal thoughts appear in moments, hang on for a while and let those moments pass.
Put your trust in God.

p.s. Even practising Muslims, may in the spur of the moment, while in despair, forget about Allaah's mercy.  That's where reading back, or reminders from good sincere friends come in handy.   May we be under Allaah's care and guidance always.

Looking forward

Looking forward to a time that may or may not come.
Forgetting to live the moment, wasting time.

~Madame Blossom ~








Subatomic supersonic spaces in between.

Random. Not really related.
I was just suddenly reminded of this cool line by Jason Mraz.
A songwriter, a thinker, a poet, a genius with words.

I don't want to be a monster.

Recently there was a video on Facebook, of a road rage in Singapore. A man was so unhappy, that a car on the main road, did not allow him to overtake his car to filter out to the main road.
He went on to drive on the road shoulder to overtake the car anyway and stopped abruptly in front of the car, obstructing other vehicles too. He came out to throw vulgarities and scolded the driver.

When I saw that video, I was reminded of myself. I had been angry the other day at the Tuas Checkpoint queue, when I was trying to keep to my lane, and motorcycles are inching their way onto the car lane. I kept on just going straight, and one of the motorcycles had inched a bit too much and my side mirror hit his. He moved a bit in front of me and said, ‘stupid’. The truth is, that evening I had not been in a good mood and the car air-conditioner was not working. I scolded him back and asked him, how cars are going to pass if they kept going into the only 2 car lanes? He said, “stupid” again. I told him, yes, I’m stupid and he is so clever! Forced a sarcastic smile and moved on.

However, after that, I felt a bit sad, that I had been like that. I wish I had maintained my cool… which was tricky being in a hot car. The guy dressed and looked like your regular nice workshop guy. He was probably tired too, trying to get home as soon as he can.

What is turning us, regular people, into inconsiderate users and some into monsters on the road? If I had to analyse the situation, based on me, I was tired and hot. I’m normally not like that.
It’s sad that the stress of living in this place, is turning me into that kind of person, when caught in a situation.

I really, really wonder if people in other countries are as stressful as people working/living in Singapore.

Allaah has planned it all, right? I need to find my contentment point. Happiness is being contented. Happiness can be achieved when having enough for your daily/monthly needs.
I’m working towards that – towards getting rid of unnecessary pressures. I’m putting my trust in Allaah, it’ll all work out. Aamiin.

That man, from the video, I wonder what his story is. What happened before he started driving that day. He probably had some bottled up stress, and that incident, it just passed his threshold.

To the motorcyclist, I’d like to smile sincerely at him if I see him again. If I can remember his face.

My jihad (struggle) continues, to be the woman I’d like to be. Aamiin.

What are we looking for?

It used to be called 'surfing'.
We go from one site to another, one blog to another.
Now, it's scrolling.
We're in that same damn site for easily, an hour, just scrolling.
But we don't know what exactly, we're looking for.
What exactly will satisfy us.
When exactly it will satisfy us.
And we still haven't found what we're looking for.

It all comes back to...

I remember the past.

I was not the girl I wish I was. And now, I am not the woman I wish I am.

I want to be more consistent, more firm, more calm.

I am quite weak.  I sometimes easily sway with the soft breeze.  ('.... hold your station').

There are things that I still remember clearly that I wish I have never said or done.   Mostly with clinging on to something that does not belong.   I wish I was stronger.  I wish I had a clearer mind and heart.   I wish it was a clean and nice cut.   I always linger a bit too long.

I guess I want to feel that I'm wanted, and to be acknowledged.

I know God will acknowledge.  Some of my wishes and prayers were answered clearly.  And God has saved me, in many many ways that I realise, and many more ways that I have not realised or will never realise.

In the end, it's Allaah whom I want to love and it's Allaah whom I want to be loved by.

Iman, Islam, Ihsan

I remember clearly, learning about Iman (the 6 pillars of faith) and Islam (the 5 basic obligations as a Muslim).   However I don't remember learning about Ihsan.

Ihsan was part of what Jibril A.S. taught Muhammad S.A.W. and his companions, along with Iman and Islam.   I find it now, to be as important as understanding Iman and Islam.

Ihsan, to understand it in the English language is, 'most good', 'excellence'.

Jibril A.S. taught us, how to achieve it, in the famous 'hadith Jibril'.  "It is that you should serve Allah as though you could see Him, for though you cannot see Him, yet He sees you."

Serving Allaah, as we know, is not only when we do our solat, or that we are fasting, or when we do zikir / recite the Quran etc.

Living as a Muslim is serving Allaah. Allaah created us to worship Him.   As such, Ihsan, is to be applied in our daily life, in everything good we do.   The highest level of Ihsan, or excellence is when one does things, consciously aware that God is watching him.   As such, he does the best he can, and with sincerity, since we also know that Allaah knows what is in our hearts.

When we live in excellence, all our outputs, whether it be at home or at work, or in our community, will be the best we can provide. It may not be perfect, but it is the best to our ability.

Ihsan covers ALL aspects of our life, it is impossible to list everything that can be done with Ihsan.

Sometimes when I write about living, and what is taught in the Qur'an, it becomes overwhelming for me.  Many ayats come to mind, and then another related ayat.  Allaah taught us, so much in the Qur'an, if only we listen.

Overwhelming.. if all of the ocean in this world is the ink, and all of the trees in the world are pens, it will not be enough to cover Allaah's words / knowledge.  Even if you multiply them seven times over.

I have digressed.

What made me think that, was when I was thinking of one example of excellence.  You see, you, picking up a trash you see on a pathway, and putting it in the bin - or clearing a dangerous object is excellence.  That is excellence in being a human being, excellence in being a part of the environment and your community.  It's subtle, but it's excellence.    And this kind of subtle excellence and act of kindness is also explained in Al-Maun'.  A short surah on small acts of kindness.

Of course it doesn't stop there.  There are just too many examples and lessons and guidance given to us, in achieving Ihsan.

May we learn Ihsan, may we learn them all, through the ayats in the Quran, through the ayats in nature, through the teachings of our Prophet S.A.W. with the will of Allaah SWT.  Aamiin.


p.s. what triggered this thought?  MasyaaAllaah - actually just something simple that happened at work. We have options at work.  We can do our best, to complete our tasks to the best of our ability. Or we can try to push the work away, creating minor excuses, asking unnecessary questions and quoting problems that may or may never arise.  As a Muslim practising Ihsan, we should try to do our tasks and help others to the best of our ability.


Salam Jumuah!

PHANTOM DETECTIVE Trailer (Action - South Korea, 2016)

I actually LIKE this action movie. Screenplay is good - quite a genius, especially on the quick thinking process of the detective... masyaaAllaah. Cinematography is good. I'm also impressed by some of the scene arrangements. The phase not too fast, not too slow.

There is NO love story. And not many of the common traits of Korean dramas - totally no kissing scene, backhugging, piggyback-ing, soju drinking, hidden mistress child, handsome chaebol guy, eating ramen almost every other day - ok there was a scene where they were eating jajangmyeon.

Other than that, it's just pure detective story and cute children.

For me, this is much much better than American detective movies. Must watch.

p.s. This is my personal opinion, I hope I am not overrating it for you all. :)

within my neurons on 11 Nov 2016, Syuruk - Hold your station.

I cried a little just now, just to let some of the stress out of my system.

I think of our struggle with increasing costs and the hassle of commuting to and from JB. The stress when we are late, like just now. I feel like giving up. Move back to Singapore - or migrate to somewhere where life is simple. I imagine living in faraway places, perhaps in the mountains, where there are not many people. Life should be simpler, no hassle, no challenges.

'No challenges'... A life with no challenges... that didn't sound right. How can there be no challenges in life? How can there be no tests? Things that forces you to practise patience, perseverence, gratitude and make you a stronger and better person. Alhamdulillaah.

Patience & perseverance - this reminds me of the irony the other morning... when I was at Tuas Immigration, going into Singapore - reciting the last few ayats from Ali-Imran. A car tried to cut in early into our lane where cars queue from the back. I horned, as I was robotically reading the last ayat that says : Oh those who believe, practise patience, be patient and hold your station. After a bit, I realised what I had just recited when I was sounding the horn. Astaghfirullaah.

That's a nice ayat by the way.. the translation also sounds poetic : practise patience, be patient and hold your station.

Hold your station - to be very firm in your position - like when you are at war, you don't leave your station because you give up or out of fear.. you HOLD your station. That's how great the level of patience is in that last level.

Beautiful ayat. it goes from the verb - practise patience (which means an action you may do once in a while), to a noun - be patient (that is to be a person, known to be patient), to this description, greater than the noun itself : hold your station - this is even more than being patient, this is perseverance. Masyaa Allaah.

May Allaah make me achieve this. Aamiin.

You know what.. I feel a bit better already. May we all have a good day, and a good life.

within my neurons : 05-Nov-2016 : near Maghrib - a little taste of paradise

I imagine that one of the feelings you get from enjoying paradise would be sakinah - peacefulness, calmness, assured, happy, safe. In order to feel sakinah when it's there, is to be quiet. Absorb the moment, the sound, the sight, the feel, the tranquility. Masyaa Allaah.

Subhanaallaahi walhamdulillaahi wa laa ilaaha illallaahu wallaahu akbar.

I am experiencing it now, just lying on my bed, looking out the window at the houses further away, with the hills topped by clouds in the background. Soft cooling wind, blowing my curtain gently and lightly. the leaves of the plant on my bay window, flickering when touched by the wind. Peace.

Suddenly, pretty pictures of places with beautiful trees and plants near forests or lakes and beautiful sceneries, became not as tempting. I didn't feel like I HAVE to go there to experience the place and moment - only for a day or two - or a week. I have my own little paradise here. Makes me wonder if I was being ungrateful, to be excited about pretty places far far away. Note : Having some plants and keeping a place clean sure help with making any place look pretty, I think.

"But you prefer this worldly life, when the Hereafter is better and ever lasting." 87:16-17

And I have to remember - this is dunya, it's temporary. Imagine the Hereafter!

As I experienced this little taste of paradise, lying on my bed - I am reminded of Jason Mraz's - Song For a Friend.
"Cause I bet if you had it all figured out, then you'd never get out of bed."
Masyaa Allaah - so true. At this moment - I don't feel like I need to do anything, to work for anything else. But alhamdulillaah, it's only this moment. I have not got it all figured out. There is still a LOT to figure out. Life is not suppose to enjoyable ALL the time - it's a test.

As I type this, I'm still looking out my window. I wanted to record this moment. I wanted to express the thoughts and feelings that are going through in my mind and heart - as it comes. You can do this if you had taken typing classes and can type without looking. :P

The moment I described above, can never match the actual. And sometimes, putting them into words, only limits it's beauty.

Oh yes, I tried to take a video or a photo of this just now - but masyaa Allaah - it spoils the real look. Maybe my phone camera is not good. But I also questioned myself, the need to take a picture or video of it. If I don't, does it make this experience less beautiful? less meaningful?

Anyway, I was making doa just now, that Allaah make me contented with what He wants me to be contented with, make me like the things He wants me to like, and make me not long for things, that He doesn't want me to long for. Aamiin.

Why we should still believe in existence of God?

Why I’d Still Believe In God Even if the Bible Was a Fairytale



Next step is to realise that the Creator is a Loving God and did not put man on earth without a guide on how to live and what to live for.

And then, to use our God given mind to sincerely determine which is the right guidance.

within my neurons : 30-Oct-2016 - Asar

I'm putting up my picture on line to convince myself, that I am, as what I appear to be in the picture to all of you out there. HAPPY and CONFIDENT.

Truth is, I'm not - well, at least not ALL the time, and perhaps not MOST of the time either.

This is the nature of us, humans. Always feeling unsatisfied with what we already have. Which can be a good thing and a bad thing.

Bad - only if we are ungrateful for what we already have. Bad, if it makes us dejected and weak.

Good - if it drives us to achieve something better.

Ya Allaah, please make me a grateful person who is always driven to do something better, for Your sake. Aamiin.

attire : confident

I actually noticed my confidence leaving me just now as I was speaking to a colleague from Japan.

I'm trying to identify exactly what chased it away.

I suspect it's the slippers I was wearing, although I mentioned to her that it was because my shoes were soaking wet from the heavy rain this morning.

Or it could be the fact that she is requesting me for an info that I have no obligation to provide - if we don't have one. Although I felt that we should have it, since we dealt with it before.

No... I think it's the slippers.
I need to get me a good quality, comfortable pair or smart working shoes, to use for at least 2-3 years.

I guess dressing can really affect our... or me, my own self confidence.

a decent pair of jeans

Fazilah lamented :

"Last weekend I masuk kedai Zara nak cari jeans. Susah betul nak cari jeans sekarang, semua koyak rabak."


:p

Beli jeans kat kedai baju nyonya aje lah.

something about it

Hero, an ex soldier who is the best in the field, is assigned as a bodyguard to watch over the daughter of a presidential candidate who suffers from panic disorder. He has to monitor the cctv images from the guard's room.

Panic disorder girl suddenly comes out from her room, which she seldom leaves, and goes down the the kitchen. He watches. The girl seem to be looking for something in the kitchen. The guy thinks, ok, maybe she's looking for a bowl. He speaks to the screen, 'check the cupboard to the left, to the left'.

Then as if she heard him, she looks to the left, but it's not the bowl she's looking for.

So she looks some more. After opening a few more cupboard doors, she sees a grocery carton box at the corner. She walks over quickly, opens the box and her face lights up. She has found it.... a packet of... RAMEN.

She is exhilarated, she smiles from ear to ear, hugs the packet of ramen and began twirling around the kitchen, to some twirling background music. It is in slow mo. Maybe she also suffers from other mental disorders.

The guy, that serious, competent, handsome ex-soldier, best in the field bodyguard, looks at this girl and is in awe. He seems to have fallen in love - fallen in love with that girl who is dancing around the kitchen hugging the packet of ramen.


#likeWHAAAT
#koreandrama

what's in a word?

Have you ever typed a single word, and stare at it?

It'll start to look weird, and you start to wonder, how those letters can have some sound and mean something.

If you stare longer, you'll start to wonder how those different lines and shapes become something that we actually understand. Amazing.



Subhanallaah.

What sleepiness can do.

I'm reading system test cases, but I thought that they were explaining about the ocean blue, and I saw a blue ink drop at the base of the ocean...... ...
that's how sleepy I am. At times like these, i really shouldn't reply emails.
But right now.. after distracting myself with this, alhamdulillaah I am less sleepy. I think.

It's been like half an hour already and only Two minutes have passed.

Forgetful Creatures

I've read and learned all about how we are tested in this worldly life. But when faced with some, I forget and I lament. I know God is with those who are patient. But I forget and I feel desperate to get out of the situation. I know that all that we go through is only for our own good - only we may not know it yet. But I forget and think about how bad the current situation is.

But God loves me. And He knows my inner thoughts and gave me a reminder, a subtle reminder.
Inna Allaaha laTifun khabir.
Verily Allaah understand the finest mysteries and is well acquainted with them.

Checking on the news of my friend's family - I learned that their family is going through tough times, having lost a male family member during this blessed month of Ramadan. And I think, how ungrateful I am right now, for all the conveniences and all the people I have around me.

May Allaah forgive me and give me strength.
Allaahu ghafuurun Rahiim.
Allaah is Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful.


We are forgetful creatures.
Alhamdulillaah, for subtle reminders, and the fixed reminders that we carry out 5 times a day.

May Allaah make us among those who are patient and perseveres. Aamiin.

Dear My Friends (Dear Friends of Mine)

This is the title of a Korean Drama that I'm currently watching, written by Noh Hee-kyung.

This is going to be my benchmark to write stories. I'm not saying I can write as good as this, but it's going to inspire me to try to give better.

I have not seen anything to deep and complex, touching and reflective at the same time. I must say Noh Hee-kyung is an inspirational writer.

The twist to this is that, the main characters in this drama, and there are quite a few, are mostly above 60 years old.

Almost every episode so far (now I'm at 7) are as good. I've cried in most of them, not because they are super sad, but because they touched the core of my heart. Especially of a son's love of his mother (Lee Kwang Soo). Highly recommended, if you're going to watch Korean. Only of course, after this, you'd probably be disappointed with most of the other Korean dramas.

It also makes me reflect on myself growing old - how it would apply in my context as a Muslim. I'd like for my soul to adapt graciously to my body growing old.

Back to my writing.. it's inspiring me to continue with some stories I've left half way written. :P Insyaa Allaah.

Gaja!


http://kissasian.com/Drama/Dear-My-Friends

illuminated face

In the dark, your face
is oft illuminated
by your damn mobile

~ madame blossom ~

dead bloggers society

I was visiting some blogs of bloggers who have interacted with me previously, but have been too quiet lately (last 2-3 years). I found that a couple of them have gone to meet their Maker.

.

.

.

.

.

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How would I seem to others when I'm gone? How will they describe me? Most importantly, how would I appear before God?

The world forgetting by the world forgot.

Self note:

Masyaa Allaah, I have found a term in the Quran that also gives an idea of this line "The world forgetting by the world forgot" presented in 2 words "nasyan mansiyan"  (نسيًا منسيًا)

It is in surah Maryam (Mary) 19:21, while she was in the pangs of birth.  In translation, it just says "completely forgotten"  But the meaning of each word is much deeper than that

Nasiyan is to be in a state where one forgets.
Mansiyan is to be one who is forgotten.

- and I feel that the phrase is nicely described by that line mentioned above.

going to the shop

The biggest hassle of going to the shop is having to change clothes, and you know you will perspire and then there are more clothes to wash.

My brain cells travel in leaps and bounds.

The night we almost missed our flight - Al Mulk

It was a last minute decision to go back as soon as possible from Abu Dhabi.   The flight home was at 2 am.  Tina and I reached the airport about 11pm or so and lingered around.   There was nothing much to do there, not too many place to linger around at.

When the boarding gate opened, we headed there.   The boarding area we were at had no enclosed area for a specific flight.  There were so many people around, but we managed to find some empty seats near a corner for us to sit.

Diagonally across us, about 2-3 meters away, was a couple who looked like they were in their 60s. Actually I couldn't tell the age of the wife because she was wearing a niqab.  The wife was quietly listening to her husband.  Her husband was reciting Al Mulk by heart, quite softly - but loud enough for his wife to hear.  His recitation sounded soothing.  I thought to myself, that was quite the sweetest thing I have witnessed of a couple.

I too listened to the recitation, what I could make of it from where I was sitting.  Soon I was feeling too sleepy, so I closed my eyes.

When I opened my eyes after what seemed like just 15-20 mins later, the couple was gone.  In fact, the place was almost empty.  Then I realised, there was only Tina and I in the area, other than some airport staff and 2-3 other passengers.  Tina had also fallen asleep.  I woke Tina up and quickly went to check with one of the officers at the door and informed him our flight number.  He immediately radio-ed someone and told them "passengers found".  Apparently, everyone else had gone to board the plane.  We were almost left behind!  Alhamdulillaah, we woke up just in time for immediate boarding.

Immediate boarding means, taking the bus to where the plane was.  However, the bus was stuck in airport traffic and because of that, we along with few other late passengers, reached the plane late. The plane missed it's departure time window, and had to wait another half an hour before it could depart.


Now on nights when I remember to recite Al Mulk, sometimes I'd be reminded of that couple at Abu Dhabi Airport and how we almost missed our flight.


*************

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:

I heard the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) saying, "There is a Surah in the Qur'an which contains thirty Ayat which kept interceding for a man until his sins are forgiven. This Surah is 'Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the dominion.' (Surat Al-Mulk 67)."

[At-Tirmidhi and Abu Dawud].

Source : http://sunnah.com/riyadussaliheen/9/26

The most beautiful dream! Masyaa Allaah

To cut the story short - cause I don't really recall what happened in the earlier part - I was riding on a sleigh.

Actually I was suppose to be riding in a cab driven by a pakcik, but somehow that cab turned out to be a sleigh - you know how dreams are.

Then we moved off, and I was looking up at the sky - it was the most beautiful sky I had ever seen with so many hues and colours like you'd see in northern lights.  The milliions of stars were like thousands of specks of really shiny silver in the sky.  There were spirals in the sky too - I wondered what those were.  I was exclaiming aloud - 'Subhanallaah!  Masyaa Allaah!  It's sooo beautiful!!!!" 

The sleigh went faster and faster - the pakcik was afraid, and I was busy enjoying the wind that came with the speed - passing by (or over?) a city of lights, then we were going upwards.  The pakcik (I only heard him - I didn't actually see him) - he was shouting 'eh eh! "  I was still just exclaiming with delight, at the whole scene and experience. 

Suddenly a very big wave was in front of us - pakcik shouted some more - but the wave looked beautiful to me, against the colourful sky.  I wondered if it was Qiyamah, and I felt a little bit afraid, but still exclaiming, Subhanallaah!    Another wave came - also as beautiful, and suddenly I was kind of walking on a bridge going upwards - feeling afraid, but assured that Allaah will take care of me.  I love Allaah and I know He'll take care of me. The sky was still as beautiful.

And then I was on a ship, above this beautiful dream water against the colourful sky.  I think I jumped in to swim.. and after that, I don't really recall what happened.

Masyaa Allaah.. ALHAMDULILLAAH for such a wonderful, beautiful dream!

You know, dreams are not much different from physical experiences.  Both of them, we can recall in our minds and cannot touch, but it remains as beautiful memories.

Cover your vessels

I came across the article : Never Drink the Water from your Nightstand that explains how drinking from a water left overnight, can be harmful because it is susceptible to particle dusts or air-borne bacteria.  

This immediately reminded me of the the hadith about leaving water vessels uncovered at night :

Jabir b. 'Abdullah reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) having said:

When the wings of the night (spread) or it is night, restrain your children (from going out), for the Satan is abroad at that time, and when a part of the night is passed, free them and shut the doors. making mention of God's name, for the Satan does not open a closed door; and tighten the (mouths of waterskins and mention the name of Allah, cover your utensils and mention the name of Allah even though you should just put something on them, and extinguish your lamps.

Reference : http://sunnah.com/muslim/36/124

It proves to me yet again - how following sunnah and especially God's commands - are only for our own benefit.  God knows best what is good for us and what may be harmful for us.

Haiku : Soul

My soul does not age.
The container, it degrades.
I adapt to it.

` Madame Blossom ~

Fruiting

Subhanallaah, as I look at this vegetable growing, I realise that Allaah gives us FREE food.

Well.. and then people sell them - or actually they are selling the services of growing, maintaning and transporting the food for you,  rather than the food itself.
Isn't it amazing, subhanallaah, how a mere seed becomes a plant and then the plant produces flowers and fruits for us. From almost nothing to something!

Allaah creates, gives it's proportion, Allaah ordains and guides His creations.

It's is also raining now and as I look at the raindrops.. I'm thinking that's free water there.

Allaah loves us.