Madame Blossom's Book of Poems

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

when the husband has an affair

what do you do when you find out your husband is having an affair?

The wife cries her eyes out. Ok fine. Now she needs get a grip, get out of the house for some fresh air. Meet a friend.. a TRUSTED friend - to thrash it all out. She must talk to someone - she shouldn't try to gulp them all alone. She'll go crazy at home. In these instances, a good girlfriend's support can do wonders to the self-esteem.

Hopefully, she can cool down after that. Cause I believe, the next best thing to do, is to remain calm and cool in front of the husband. Don't act like a crazy, dependent and clingy woman - it'll drive him further away. Then, we lay the following options, and it's backup plans.

1. Maybe you can talk to the other woman, to find out, what the husband, has been promising her. Try not to argue with the woman. It'll be best if you can maintain your cool. In any case, most of the time, women are the victim - emotionally and physically. If she starts demanding this and that - you can stop talking to her. There's no point doing so, because basically, it all depends on the husband. Inform the husband that you have spoken to the other women. I think it's wise to be open and honest with the husband and the woman, if you have been talking - you don't want to look like a backstabber or instigator.

2. Of course, then you try asking the husband, if he can stop seeing the woman.
If he says yes, don't be too happy yet. A guy will say anything in front of you just to put the matters at rest, but still see the woman behind our back. You have to be prepared to find out again later, that he is STILL seeing that woman. But if he really stops - then alhamdulillah, good for you.

3. If he is still seeing that woman, or refuse to leave the woman - you'll have to give him an option to marry her (rather than continuing with maksiat). But of course, you will ask him to consider rationally - think about finances and time, and the children and the responsibilities AND the consequences in the Hereafter if he cannot comply. Let him think about it. If the woman is still calling you, you can tell her what you have told the husband and he is deciding. If after this, the husband is still just keeping her like that - she'll know she's being played out by your husband, because you have already given the green light.

4. I don't think it's wise at this point, to ask for a divorce. Especially so, if you're not working. Think rationally.. you still need the husband to support you and your children and have a house to stay in. Keep him for that, while continuing with your wifely duties. Treat him like a part time boyfriend if you wish. If it turns out that he is doing fine as a husband.. insyaAllah, you can still be happy with him. In the meantime, stop being dependent on him - find a job to fill up your time and have more friends.

5. If it turns out that he does not know how to be a fair husband, AND you are already emotionally and financially dependent, you may then seek a divorce - if the terrible husband is only making you a terrible wife - that may be an option. You don't want to end up in Hell.

6. Oh yes, if you're not already doing so, you should seriously be conscious about how you look in general (public and home). ESPECIALLY in front of your husband. It is NOT TRUE that once you're married, you can look haggard to him - you should always try to look your best in front of him - like how you would when you were dating him - which is maksiat.. but now, making up and dressing up or looking good for his sake, is actually a good deed. So put aside any negative or inferior feelings you have about yourself and be confident.

7. Most importantly, we need to remember that everything that is happening to us, on earth is fated. If it is fated that he'll marry the other woman, nothing you can do, will stop that. If it is fated that it won't happen, then, nothing that the other woman do is going to ensure that. So, keep your cool. Plus.. this is a test from Allah SWT. Our whole life is a test.. and what's most important is how we do for this test. Patience and perseverance are the two of the ingredients required to pass the test.

All of the above sounds quite theoretical, I know - and I can understand, it's a hard pill to swallow. I would like to think that I will be able to do all those things mentioned above, if I ever find myself in such a situation. (Naudzubillah). Seriously, in life, we have to be prepared for any kind of test.. and still remember, that Allah SWT will not burden a soul, more than they can carry.

Yeah.. so, power, patience and perseverance to the women! Ameen.
May Allah SWT guide us all.


annjoeninna said...

Of late, I have heard, seen and being approached for this problem...
We trash the Hubbys together and plan on what should be done next... some of them have done what you listed.... But most important of all is the never ending Doas to the Almighty for patience, guidance, creativity (we must be smart to catch him red handed if he denys all the time....)and for the husband to realise how wrong they are...Some of them are "black magic'ed" ..
I have great respect for this women for they always put their children first and move on...

madame blossom said...

ah ah seh..

Is it perhaps.. at this age... men after 35.. start to feel insecure and finding attention in others?

or it could be also, the wife's fault, who becomes complacent after a certain years of marriage and ignoring the husband's needs.

may Allah guide us all. :)