about parenting

Hanaa came home with a book, last week. She said she read it, it's good and she insisted that I should read it too.
I looked at the book.

"How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk.", by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
I was surprised that MY CHILD is recommending ME to read a parenting book?

Since this is coming from Hanaa, and she agrees with most points brought up in the book, then I guess I'd have to read it. Afterall, there is always room for improvement, and I better do so before the girls become teenagers - a more complex situation. So, I read the book.

Thank you, Hanaa :)

For quick reference and reminders, excerpts from the book :

1. Helping Children deal with their feelings.
a. You can listen quietly and attentively.
b. You can acknowledge their feelings with a word,
"Oh.. hmm.. I see.."
c. You can give the feeling a name,
"That sounds frustrating!"
d. You can give the child his wishes in fantasy.
"I wish I could do that now"
e. All feelings can be accepted. Certain actions must be limited.
"I can see how angry you are at your brother. Tell him what you want with words, not fists"

2. To Engage a Child's Cooperation
(*only one of the following at any one time)
a. Describe what you see, or describe the problem.
"There is a wet towel on the bed."
b. Give information.
"The towel is getting my blanket wet."
c. Say it with a word, where possible. (meaning, don't nag)
"The towel!"
d. Describe what you feel.
"I don't like sleeping in a wet bed!"
e. Write a Note
(e.g. above the towel rack) : 'Please put me back so I can dry. Thanks, Your Towel'

3. Alternatives to Punishment
(Apply one which is applicable to situation)
a. Express your feelings strongly - without attacking character.
"I'm furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain!"
b. State your expectations.
"I expect my tools to be returned after they've been borrowed."
c. Show the child how to make amends.
"What this saw needs now, is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease."
d. Give the child a choice.
"You can borrow my tools and return them, or you can give up the privelige of using them."
e. Take action.
Child : Why is the toold box locked?
Father : You tell me why.
f. Problem-solve
What can we work out, so that you can use my tools when you need them and so that I'll be sure they're there when I need them?

4. Encouraging Autonomy
a. Let children make choices.
"Are you in the mood for your grey pants today, or your red pants?"
b. Show respect for a child's struggle.
"A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps if you tap the side of the lid with a spoon."
c. Don't ask too many questions.
"Glad to see you. Welcome home."
e. Don't rush to answer questions.
"That's an interesting question. What do you think?"
f. Encourage children to use souces outside the home.
"Maybe the pet show owner would have a suggestion."
e. Don't take away hope.
"So you're thinking of trying out for the play! That should be an experience."

5. Praise and Self-Esteem
a. Describe what you see.
"I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books neatly lined up on the shelf."
b. Describe what you feel.
"It's a pleasure to walk into this room!"
c. Sum up the child's praiseworthy behaviour with a word.
"You sorted out your pencils, crayons and pens. That's what I call organisation!"

6. To free children from playing roles.
a. Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself/herself.
"You've had that toy since you were three and it almost looks like new!"
b. Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently.
"Sara, would you take the screwdriver and tighten the pulls on these drawers?"
c. Let children overhear you say something positive about them.
"He held his arm steady even though the shot hurt."
d. Model the behaviour you'd like to see.
"It's hard to lose, but I'll try to be a sport about it."
e. Be a storehouse for your child's special moments.
"I remember the time you...."
f. When the child acts according to the old lable, state your feelings and/or your expectations.
"I don't like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship from you."